What Is A Friend?
Have you ever asked yourself this question? For me, the answer has
changed over the years as I’ve grown. When I was little, a friend was
someone who liked the same things that I liked, who liked me, and who I
enjoyed being around. Then it began to morph around grade school, then
high school: a friend is someone who agrees with me; who won’t hurt my
feelings; who I feel safe with; who will protect my badge of honor; who
won’t grow, change and leave me. During and after college it manifested
as someone who wouldn’t tell me that I should dump the idiot I was
dating; someone who wouldn’t call me out on my ‘issues.’ As I’ve grown
and gotten healthier, made and lost some friends, it’s morphing again.
Now, in addition to my friends being people I enjoy being around, my
friends have started to be people who love me, but don’t indulge my
staying small. They disagree with me, at times. They call me on my
issues. They do it compassionately, but they don’t coddle me unless I
ask them to, and we’re both fully aware that that’s what they’re doing.
I’ve chosen people who have a similar desire to grow, to have better,
more productive lives and relationships, and who are willing to look at
themselves and improve in that direction.
I hadn’t realized my relationships were changing until the other night.
I had a surprising experience while out to dinner with a friend. Our
friendship is fairly new so there are a lot of areas where we’re still
finding out about one another: how we will act and react, and so fourth.
I had injured my back a few months ago and was telling my friend about
the assignments my physical therapist had given me, one of which was to
sit up straight (he’s helping me correct years of bad posture). I had
asked my friend’s assistance in reminding me to sit up straight and to
bear with me while I figured out how to do it, and while I felt
vulnerable and silly (chest out to the world is very scary when one has
been slouched over protectively for 30 years!). Coincidentally, she had
hurt her arm and had been told by the doctor not to lean on it, the way
she was accustomed to and she asked me to remind her to sit back in her
chair instead of lean on it. Midway through dinner, I was tired and
unconsciously started slouching. It felt homey and comfortable. She was
leaning on the table as she always did, and because it all felt so
normal, I didn’t notice we were both doing something we didn’t want to
be doing. As I picked up a sweet potato fry and was about to eat it, my
friend said, “Hey! Sit up!”
Startled, I wasn’t even sure what she was talking about, and her tone
was one I wasn’t used to hearing coming out of a friend’s mouth. But she
pulled her arms off of the table and sat back and I sat up, shoulders
back, chest out, the way I’d been taught by my physical therapist. I was
surprised at my internal reaction to what she had said. My initial
thought was, “I was comfortable! Isn’t she my friend? Can’t we skip it?
I’ve been sitting up straight for so much of this meal and it’s more
than I would have done at home!”
And then I realized it. She was telling me to sit up because she wants
me to have good posture too. She wants what I want for myself: for me to
use my body in the best way possible, to be able to sit and stand
comfortably, to be the person I have the potential to be. And she won’t
sit around and indulge my laziness about it (and here’s the kicker)
because she loves me.
Because she loves me? But I’d thought love and friendship was supposed
to feel like a warm chocolate chip cookie when you’re on a diet! I’d
thought friends let me slouch when I’m tired and not risk when I’m
scared! Being a friend could mean she’d say something on purpose that
would make me uncomfortable, that would call me on my stuff? Ouch!
Moments after I felt the sting of offense that she would tell me to sit
up straight (after I’d asked her to!), I had the most tremendous
revelation: She wants for me what I want for me? And she’s willing to
stand up for it when I’m too busy feeling my feelings and not wanting to
do it? She’s willing to risk offending me and my comfort zone by
reminding me what I really want? I was tremendously touched. She’d risk
offending me because she loved me? I’d seriously never looked at it
quite that way before.
I hadn’t realized until that moment that my definition of friend had
changed. As uncomfortable as it was to be called on my ’stuff,’ when I
looked at it from the perspective that she was just helping me do what I
actually wanted, because she was on my side, and seeing that “on my
side” could actually mean helping me when I was too in my feelings to
help myself, I realized I’d truly made a wonderful friend. And I
realized I must have grown a lot to be able to receive that kind of
friendship without turning away from it.
What are your relationships like? What does being a friend mean to you?
What does being loving mean to you? What does support look like for you?
Do your friends let you off the hook after you let yourself off of it?
Do you let them off the hook? Do you let them slouch, complain, avoid
things you know would bring them what they have told you they want? Do
they let you do that? Are your relationships set up so that you will
always feel good around one another no matter what, even if it means
neither of you grow, yet you say you want to grow.
If so, is that what you really want? I challenge you to redefine what
friendship, love, and support mean to you and see how your relationships
stack up to your definitions. Some of your relationships may surprise
you. Some people may be the kind of friend you want already and you may
have brushed them off because it didn’t feel good when they told you to
quit your job after listening to you complain about it for 4 years
straight. Or you might notice that some of your best friends never
challenge you or they expect you to help them stay small and vice-versa.
What kind of friendships do you want? What kind would support you? Where
could you use some improvement.
I am so grateful to have my friend as my friend. Not only is she a great
example for the kind of friend I want to be, but it is really great to
know that she will remind me of who I want to be when I start letting
myself off the hook. It is wonderful to know that there is someone else
looking out for my best besides me, and unlike me, won’t cave to or
cater to my feelings about it.
So what about you? What does it mean to be a friend?
(c) 2008 Rebecca P. Soulette
Life Coach, Rebecca Soulette, CFLC III, is a senior level coach
certified through the Fearless Living Institute. She is an expert in
helping her clients to live fulfilling and balanced lives packed full of
inspiration, joy, and freedom. She offers FREE ecourses, resources,
teleclasses, private 1:1 and group coaching. For more information or to
sign up for her FREE email newsletter, check out
http://www.RebeccaSoulette.com