Defining The Limits of Friendship
The proverb, “There are always two sides to every coin.” refers to the
fact that there is more than one way to look at everything? From this
concept you can create one of the main presuppositions of life;
behaviors are not good or bad, rather they’re useful or un-useful in the
moment. People sometimes seem to forget that last part.
The fact is that every behavior is useful in the right situation. With
the right point of view you can see how something that is limiting in
one way can be rewarding in another. A common example of this is the
goal of putting no expectations on people in a relationship. It’s very
true that it would be nice if we could live free of expectations -
however, it doesn’t work that way.
Some sense of predictability creates feelings of understanding, safety
and control over one’s life. This includes relationships. We have
certain criteria to determine friendship and, whether we want to admit
it or not, expectations and criteria go hand-in-hand. The criteria we
have to identify a friend are what we expect from them. Some common
criteria include things like trust, honesty, compassion, etc.
If we add the awareness that criteria can be ordered in a priority
sequence then some things we can allow ourselves to be flexible on and
others we can not. If a person dislikes a certain type of music upon
meeting them, then setting that as an expectation in the relationship
will “pigeonhole” them. That expectation is an un-useful limitation on
the friendship because it does not take into account that people’s
preferences can grow and change with time. Concepts more important than
taste in music, such as trust, we can be less flexible about because if
a friend does something to lose our trust in them (such as lie, steal,
abandon, hurt, etc.), then the dynamics of the friendship can change
drastically.
Even though a person can recognize a behavior may be useful in a
different situation - in the immediate circumstances it may be
un-useful, resulting in damage to the relationship. Admittedly it’s not
so black and white; some behaviors may hurt you, however you’ll accept
that it was not done with malice, rather it was unintentional. When a
person repeats that behavior in spite of the fact it harms the
relationship then there will reach a point where “I’m sorry” becomes
insulting.
With all this in mind the questions we want to consider are; Can you
allow your expectations of someone to be flexible on the minor issues
while still asserting your values on the real important points?; Can we
accept that people change while still being careful that those changes
don’t go against our own highly valued criteria for friendship?; Is it
possible to accept someone for who they are today and expect that things
may change tomorrow, while at the same time, know that it’s okay to
expect certain core components (such as trust, honesty, etc.) will
remain somewhat consistent?
Daniel Scott, Msc.D, NLP.T, RCHt.
Soaring Success Personal Excellence
Verbal Self Defense Tactics